I haven’t entered The Late Show with David Letterman’s online Top Ten contest
[dead link] for a while. And it’s been longer still since I’ve posted any such entries here. Once upon a time, however, the former activity was a regular thing; I’d hoped it would lead to the latter becoming a regular thing as well, but, y’know, if wishes were horses then... Robin Williams could’ve voiced the Genie in Seabiscuit?
The point is that I’m again sharing my latest efforts. You can submit your own, as many you’d like, one at a time; I rarely come up with more than a few really good entries, plus a ringer that plays off Dave and his staff’s recurring jokes. So here are...
My Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear on Your Cruise Ship
10. “All aboard for Somalia!”
9. “The ship can never lose power — as long as we all take turns running on that giant hamster wheel.”
8. “I don’t care how romantic the movie was; Titanic is not an appropriate theme for the lido deck.”
7. “Okey-doke now... You mama grizzlies come right this way!”
6. “I hope you know how to make a fire. Turns out the buffet is ‘all you can heat’.”
5. “Well, technically, your toilets didn’t ‘stop working’ since they never worked to begin with.”
4. “So are all the intercom announcements made by Gilbert Gottfried?”
3. “... And the good news is that we can use the dead rats for shuffleboard!”
2. “I’m your Cruise Director, Mel Gibson.”
And the Number One Thing You Don’t Want to Hear on Your Cruise Ship...
1. “Does anyone know how to contact Aquaman?”
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These are great, Blam Dunk* (sorry), I am surprised none were picked. Have you ever had your entries get on TV? I bet you have. And I bet you noticed that Dave sends me secret hand signals during his monologue, too.ReplyDelete
He's so great, we're like this *zhoom zhoom* with the brain waves going back and forth through the air waves.
How far ahead of time do they run the contest? A week?
*I was going to say "Blam Dunc" in reference, obviously, to Sir Hamsworth Dunc...ington. But I know you hate the obvious joke.
Have you ever had your entries get on TV?
I have not. One big reason why is that the Top Ten Contest is confined to the website and has nothing to do with the lists on the show. However, I nearly had my entrails get on TV; turns out that was far too "Method" for the CSI producers, however, and in fact I apparently made everyone else at the auditions sick.
And I bet you noticed that Dave sends me secret hand signals during his monologue, too.
Many of us send you hand signals, Joanly the Lonely, although secret they ain't.
But I know you hate the obvious joke.
Actually, Ms. No Relation to the Bush Family Ranch, I have grown quite fond of you, and will thank you to stop putting yourself down like that.
Aw, I feel good about this. I don't know if I should (as I have no ear for sarcasm and don't enjoy it the few times I have recognized it) but I do! ;)ReplyDelete
And to prove I can take a compliment graciously, I'll say thank you*.
*And mention that *I* was instantly fond of you. But I'm just saying. It's no big deal, forget about it. I never said a thing.
VF: No, you hang up! No, y- Hello? Blamkins?
Yes, yes. I know it should say "didn't". I am a talker not a writer!ReplyDelete