Gluttony for Punnishment


In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm sharing leftovers — namely, by way of submissions to a Top Ten contest run on the Late Show with David Letterman website from more than
a year ago now, my...

Top Nine Signs Americans Are Becoming Overweight

9. Our bodies are still more than 60% water, but also 15% high-fructose corn syrup and 3% fudge

8. Supermarkets now offer double-wide shopping carts

7. We're being hunted for our blubber

6. Fastest-growing sectors of the economy: belt-hole punchers, deep-frying, and statins

5. Realtors increasingly hear, "I'd like two-and-a-half baths... But can you smush them all together?"

4. Our treadmills have TV-dinner trays

3. Three words: Elevator for one

2. "Big-and-tall clothing stores" now simply known as "clothing stores"

And the Number One Sign Americans Are Becoming Overweight...

Veni, Vidi, Vacay


It's time for the blog to really and truly go on hiatus. As I've been trying to get a post up here for a couple of days now, with the usual technical roadblocks preventing me from doing so, I'd rather just stay away until everything's worked out well enough for it all to run more smoothly.

Making Waves


I haven't entered The Late Show with David Letterman's online Top Ten contest
[dead link] for a while. And it's been longer still since I've posted any such entries here. Once upon a time, however, the former activity was a regular thing; I'd hoped it would lead to the latter becoming a regular thing as well, but, y'know, if wishes were horses then... Robin Williams could've voiced the Genie in Seabiscuit?

The point is that I'm again sharing my latest efforts. You can submit your own, as many you'd like, one at a time; I rarely come up with more than a few really good entries, plus a ringer that plays off Dave and his staff's recurring jokes. So here are...

My Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your Cruise Ship

10. "All aboard for Somalia!"

9. "The ship can never lose power — as long as we all take turns running on that giant hamster wheel."

8. "I don't care how romantic the movie was; Titanic is not an appropriate theme for the lido deck."

7. "Okey-doke now... You mama grizzlies come right this way!"

6. "I hope you know how to make a fire. Turns out the buffet is 'all you can heat'."