Gluttony for Punnishment

In honor of Thanksgiving, I’m sharing leftovers — namely, by way of submissions to a Top Ten contest run on the Late Show with David Letterman website [dead link] from more than a year ago now, my...

Top Nine Signs Americans Are Becoming Overweight

9. Our bodies are still more than 60% water, but also 15% high-fructose corn syrup and 3% fudge

8. Supermarkets now offer double-wide shopping carts

7. We’re being hunted for our blubber

6. Fastest-growing sectors of the economy: belt-hole punchers, deep-frying, and statins

5. Realtors increasingly hear, “I’d like two-and-a-half baths... But can you smush them all together?”

4. Our treadmills have TV-dinner trays

3. Three words: Elevator for one

2. “Big-and-tall clothing stores” now simply known as “clothing stores”

And the Number One Sign Americans Are Becoming Overweight...

1. I’d love to enter this contest, but I can’t see my laptop


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