Low and Inside

I came up with a personal record number of entries for this week’s Top Ten contest [dead link] at the Late Show with David Letterman website.

baseball in glove

My frustration with the Phillies’ rough start to the 2012 baseball season could have fueled the creative burst. Whatever the impetus, I hereby offer up my overly obvious, voluminous, and hopefully humorous...

Top Seventeen Punch Lines to Dirty Baseball Jokes

17. “That’s the pitcher’s mound.”

16. “Actually, I play for the other team.”

15. “Try the split-finger grip.”

14. “I said ‘fungo’!”

13. “Would you mind choking up a little?”

12. “So who’s the designated hitter?”

11. “It turns out he corked his bat.”

10. “Did you use the rosin?”

9. “No, I’m just the umpire.”

8. “No, I’m just the announcer.”

7. “No, I’m just the mascot.”

6. “No, I’m just the equipment manager.”

5. “No, I’m just the groundskeeper.”

4. “How much for a wiener?”

3. “That's not what I meant by ‘double-header’.”

2. “He didn't even touch the bag!”

And the Number One, Most Obvious Punch Line to a Dirty Baseball Joke...

1. “Foul balls.”

Related: Booty Call The Devil You Say Jersey
What’s in a Name Breakfast Antipathies


  1. That's not what I meant by 'double-header'.

    Bravo, sir!

    My frustration with the Phillies' rough start to the 2012 baseball season could have fueled the creative burst.

    I dunno...at least your team is showing some signs of life. Then again, you probably had greater expectations going into this season, whereas the Twins were pretty much just shooting for .500, and I was even dubious about that happening...

  2. I enjoyed all of these, but I think the only one better than "No, I'm just the equipment manager" is "No, I'm just the groundskeeper"... although I have an old-school fondness for "He didn't even touch the bag!"
    Great job!

  3. The confounding thing about the Phils' 1-3 start to the season is that we faced the Pirates right out of the gate. Even though we have no real regional rivalry with them anymore, and as mostly hapless as they are, they've taken 10 out of 12 of the Phils' visiting series at PNC Park. It's just one of those weird things, like how the Phils were losing to the Marlins all the frickin' time a while back when they were generally dead flopping fish.
    So we should have beaten the Pirates on paper, yet we shouldn't have expected to beat them per legacy voodoo. Of course whatever the case the games actually counted — and here we are now losing to the Marlins again too.
    I always love how we say "we"... I'm not contributing a damn thing to the team outside of moral support as a Philly expat living up here in MetsLand now. (By the way: Mets 4-0 and Braves 0-4?)

  4. "Try the split-finger grip."

    Hahahahahahaha!!! I'll take your word for it that that means something in Baseball Talk, but it's hilarious.

  5. Teeheehee! Double header, Blam? Honestly! Filthy, just filthy.

    I don't understand number 14 though. Does it have to do with fungus? Oh, do I ever hope it does!

    My jokes aren't funny, just gross and shameful, and they involve sayings like "Just look at him gobble up those wieners!" and "That move just redefined the term 'spit-ball'!" This is why I'm the guy at the party that everyone nervously laughs with as they make a bee-line for anywhere not near me.

  6. Ooh!
    "He was really pounding the strike zone last night."

  7. Joan: I don't understand number 14 though.

    A fungo bat is a lightweight bat that coaches, instructors, staff, etc. use during practice to hit balls to players in the outfield.

  8. Anonymous30 June, 2024

    Michael Jack in the booth a couple of innings ago: "If you hold your hands the right way, you can spray it all over the field."