The Devil You Say

I dreamt up a dozen entries for the Late Show with David Letterman website’s
current Top Ten contest [dead link]. You can enter this round through the end of the week, although I’m usually keen to brainstorm as much as I can on Monday when
the newsletter arrives in my inbox in case of similar entries.

My Top Twelve Signs Your Neighbor Is Really Satan

12. When you had a come-as-you-are party, he came as Satan.

11. His barbecues always smell like grilled person.

10. The hot chick gardening out front has an “I’m with Satan” T-shirt.

9. He keeps leaving his Underworld’s Best Dad mug on the porch.

8. Blues guitarists drop by at all hours of the night.

7. His lawn sprinklers only give off steam.

6. It’s freezing cold, there’s reindeer poop everywhere, and elves are whistling constantly. (Oops... That’s a sign that your neighbor is really Santa.)

5. When you ask him if he’s heard any good jokes lately, he replies “Adolf Hitler,
Osama bin Laden, and I walk into a bar...”

4. Your house number is 664.

3. His Renault has a bumper sticker that reads “My other car is a Cadillac and by the way I’m Satan.”

2. He goes on and on about “Burning Man” but he’s never been to Nevada.

And the Number One Sign Your Neighbor Is Really Satan...

1. Now and then you accidentally get his mail, and it’s addressed to Satan.

Since I’ve been going through a little bit of hell lately the category felt somewhat appropriate, not that our neighbors are to blame. Like other recent and coming posts, I set this one up to publish later; I expect to be doing that for a while. And if the supply runs dry or too many snafus occur, I’ll take a break from the blog until I’m not so distracted.


Related: Oh Hell No • Prom Numbers • Low and Inside