I was "oh-fer" in my last entries for The Late Show's online Top Ten Contest. Once I'd recovered from shock over seeing the actual winners, not at all bitter, I went into some kind of fugue state and came up with no fewer than a dozen submissions for the next week's edition.
My Top Twelve Signs You've Encountered a Lame Transformer
12. Only turns into other robots.
11. Is writing a tell-all memoir about its wild night with Jay Leno's motorcycle collection.
10. Keeps referring to your college bumper sticker as a "tramp stamp".
9. Shows up for work with Grey Goose & STP on its breath every... frickin'... day.
8. Can't even get its calls returned by I'm a Celebrity Automaton, Get Me Out of Here!
7. Hasn't touched up its paint job since girlfriend ran away with the DeLorean from Back to the Future.
6. Picks up extra cash by hosting those "dipstick enhancement" ads that air on cable at 3 a.m.
5. Can only TiVo C-SPAN.
4. Refuses to transform into anything other than a Prius until gas is back under two bucks a gallon.
3. Hears the Star Wars theme, breaks down and tells you for the millionth time how R2-D2 was "the one that got away".
2. Is really a Segway.
And the Number One Sign You've Encountered a Lame Transformer...
1. Won't turn into a car, just GM's restructuring plan.
Updated and revised January 2019
Transformers movie still © 2007 DreamWorks, Paramount, Hasbro.
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