Pay Lode

Odds are pretty bad that you, dear reader, won the recent Mega Millions drawing. I fared no better with my entries for last week's online Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten contest [dead link]. Whether you're regretting the size of your Easter dinner last night or pining for leavened bread, lamenting the lack of your team's offense this Opening Week or looking for that missing ticket stub in McDonald's, perhaps your spirits will be lifted by my...

Top Nine Dumb-Guy Ways to Spend a $640 Million Lottery Jackpot

9. 640 million new lottery tickets

8. Naming rights to Three Rivers Stadium

7. Donation to the George W. Bush 2012 Presidential campaign

6. Four words: John Carter — The Adventure Continues

5. Bacon, bacon, bacon

4. Scalped backstage passes to Cats

3. Knicks season tickets

2. A slice of pizza and a $639,999,997 tip

And the Number One Dumb-Guy Way to Spend a $640 Million Lottery Jackpot...

1. Zima for everybody!

To be honest, I don't think that this is anywhere near my best work, although #6 and #9 were very similar to winners; in those cases, either the contest-runners liked the other entries' wording better or they just got submitted first.

I actually visited the Late Show website yesterday to see if the next contest had started, and ended up lobbing more meatballs than I ever have before while watching the Phillies lose to the Pirates. I'll have those submissions up in a little while.

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  1. What's the matter with bacon?
    (... says the half-Irish Jew during Passover)


  2. I threw that in for two reasons. (1) No matter how tasty something is — and bacons is tasty — it's still dumb to spend $640 million on it. Right? (2) I wanted to see how many people came to the defense of bacon on principle.